It was not too hot only eighties, and djs floated beautiful gay music

At Boystown - 40th anniversary of Chicago Pride - floats of the governor, mayor, councillors, aldermen, judges, police department (very sexy!), fire department, candidates, etc. I'm thinking, so much support from state and political actors. I'm thinking, it took a while to get here. I'm thinking, one day this will happen in India.

Dykes on Bikes. Rev, and the crowd goes ecstatic. How amazing to see once-icons. I'm thinking, did D and S get on bikes in Delhi this year.

A two year old sitting on his dad's shoulder. His mum is at the frontlines, cheering and waving and dancing. Dad waves and marchers throw beads in the direction of the boy. Dad tells him, "we have to get thousands of them. This is just like Mardi Gras - only a little different." By the end, the boy is wearing thousands of beads. Every color. By the end, he has too many beads and his mum takes them from him and wears them around her neck.

In Chicago the weekend before last

Don't quite fit into the narratives of desi writing (and, guess what, one of my panels at Kriti was What If I Don't Want to Write About India) but there was something about being among South Asian writers. Such as discovering I am not quite done being one either. No, I haven't been trying to escape my "culture", but certain modes of writing which it seems "Indian writing" has made a culture out of. Am I less Indian because they are more so? And other such anxieties about forefathers; especially forefathers. My literary heritage - ill-fittingly and not-so-snugly there I stand - after Kolatkar and Jussawala. But what about mothers of my choosing. Or sisters. Or queens. Or gay boys. Or crazy playwrights. Or companions.

All such anxieties are in all such heads, I know. Identities, I told a friend yesterday, are dubious. But isn't it difficult to remember to be cunning and edgy when using identities. Isn't it easy to want to become an identity.

But Amitava Kumar during his Q&A reminded us that we don't have to choose. Audiences - and by extension, meanings. Different meanings can be made on different occasions. Now I sound like this; any other moment, I will revel in sounding a clarion for something else. Then something else.

Don't let that deflate you.

At the Not-India panel we talked about much more.

Keh Mukarni

My "Archaisms" for Joyelle McSweeney's Issues in Contemporary Poetics class. Had such fun writing these. More on Keh-Mukarni at Caferati.

*

My breath snagged, fell, rose;
heart knocked against the sternum – soft blows.
He pressed against my chest – groped.
Was it a lover? No, girl, stethoscope!

*

His taut skin rippled under my fingers –
I dragged my nails light as feathers
revelling in his rough rine.
Was it a lover? No, girl, lime!

*

Tasted his wide uncouth mouth,
then, buzzed, on the love seat we slouched,
nuzzled – it was unplanned, it was a whimsy!
Was it a lover? No, girl, fifth of a whiskey!

*

I evaluated my satisfaction narrow,
his staying power zero –
still, his love for my exposed body was transparent.
Was it a lover? No, girl, mosquito repellent!

blog conversations

In Feb, this interview with Kinjal Dagli - which had then bemused me, and which already seems dated, what with twitter and other "social media" added to the fray (or I in the fray, adding and subtracting). The feature, written up by Kalindi Sheth, here.

***

KD: Your identity. Your name, age, profession, and where you live.

Monica Mody, writer, currently in the MFA program at the University of Notre Dame. I lived in Delhi from 2003-08.

KD: When did you start this blog? Why? What is it/does it aim to be about? Why such a title?

This is my second blog - I started posting on it in May 2008.

By Aug 2007 I had started to feel that "In Small Pieces", my first blog, did not reflect who I was any longer. I had started the latter in Sep 2004 when I was a very different person. Despite blogs being such eccentric, changeable creatures, I had somehow outgrown it.

Blogs for me are nets where I collect my writings, thoughts, observations - or such things as catch my eye. This is how I was using "In Small Pieces" - and funnily enough, I use "An Imperfect Blog" in a similar manner - as a multifarious net.

The blog, poor thing, has wanted to be about just this one thing or just that, at various points, but failed. So it has to be all and serve in many different capacities. It is the doppelganger of Monica the writer. Monica the queer feminist. Monica the movie-lover, the book-lover, the cat-lover. Monica the beyond labels. Etc.

It is an imperfect blog. I update it idiosyncratically. Often or not very often, depending on my moods/what is happening in my "real" life. Blogging is not my religion as it is for many people, and I used to feel quite upset with myself because of that. Peer pressure. But now finally, I own its imperfection.

KD: What does blogging do for/mean to you? Do you feel Indian women express themselves better on blogs; is it an outlet for just the modern, i-have-something-to-say woman, or can it be used as a tool for those hitherto unheard as well?

The connections one makes with other bloggers - this whole world of comments and communication - that is remarkable.

Is there a unified identity called "Indian women"? If you ever run into it, point me to it too. What do you mean by a "modern, i-have-something-to-say woman"? Are "less modern" women without things to say? Who is "modern" anyway? Please examine your categories.

Blogging is a tool. It is not messianic; it is not the solution to all troubles. Yes, it has allowed many adolescents, women, queer people, people with crazy/interesting hobbies, old women, right wing fundamentalists, you name it - to record their thoughts/observations and articulate them - and find sympathizers/allies out there - sometimes much more easily than in their immediate surroundings. Which means that blogging can be a progressive or regressive force depending on who is blogging.

These two processes of (a) articulating the self, and (b) finding a community have been/can be extremely powerful for certain women - women whose experiences of power might otherwise be limited. It does not matter whether these women are "modern" or "not modern" - as long as they understand the potential of this tool - as long as they blog.

Blogging should not be understood "as a tool for" but "as a tool by".

KD: Finally, is your online identity different from your offline persona? I notice that unlike several other blogs, you've put up your photograph and use your true name, right? Does it make you feel at all vulnerable that just about anybody can see/monitor you?

The self, interesting enough, does not need to be fully disclosed when blogging.

Is my online identity different from my "offline persona" (I love this!)? Of course. I monitor what goes on my blog - what I put on it - precisely because I am aware that it is a public realm. The lines I draw protect my personal life to the extent I want to keep it "private" from the "public eye". What else should I feel vulnerable about? Having certain beliefs and convictions, which might be unpopular/unacceptable in certain quarters? No. I don't worry about that because I know I have the resources to be relatively worry-free.

Many people don't have this privilege, my privileges. These could be people who, in their "offline" lives, are forced - because of gender/ sexuality/ caste/ class/ hetero-patriarchy/ other power structures - to be too nice too coy (too Indian). Who feel safer, in their virtual anonymous avatars, to express their real selves. That is sad and terrible. And yet, is it - entirely?